Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
