There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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