Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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