if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
