dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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