from now on my penis is your penis
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
