It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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