if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
