dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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