smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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