Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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