Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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