so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
