We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
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the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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