He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
