So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
