how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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