Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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