Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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