just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
