I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
