just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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