I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
