So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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