Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
