oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My breasts were aching with rage.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
