You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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