I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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