I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
