ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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