so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
