OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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