Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Randomize
