Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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