I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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