I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
