i'm signing you up for texting rehab
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
