Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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