That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
