You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
