I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
