gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I believe in your delicious
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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