I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
