not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
