i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
