how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
