Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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