I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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