Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
