There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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