i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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