she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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