Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
