Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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