woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
