If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
