I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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