haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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