u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
